The Gay Aries: Follow your flame, Sanjaya.
 I don't mean to call you simple, Aries. But yo mamma so stupid she thought she needed a token to get on the Soul Train. Oh, there we go. It's so fun to watch that vein pop out of your neck. Ewww, there it is. Not so hot. Calm down, Aries, I don't even know your mother... although I hear she's averaging a 1.7 on hotornot.com. See, there you go again. I kid because it's fun, though I must say you make it way too easy. O to be an innocent Aries. Born under the first house, you are but an infant beginning your twelve journeys through life. Like an infant, your needs are pretty basic and you have a simple way of articulating them: screaming at the top of your lungs. You do it if you've skipped your lunch or had to work through your nap; when you've discovered that your paunch has ballooned from a 36" to 38"; when your favorite contestant gets kicked off Project Runway; at the grocery store when the guavas aren't looking too fresh. People who wish they could have remained innocent babes forever have clearly never seen you loose it in the produce aisle of your local food co-op.
Some psychiatrists would call this behavior assertive and applaud your ability to let it all out. I would argue that it's great when you can let the world know how you feel, but how about exercising a little self control? Who knows. Maybe your brash demeanor is just the thing to get you ahead in this age of MeMeMe. And besides, when you're in the mood to please, you can win friends and influence people with the best of them. People like you because what they see is what they get. As much as I would like to tell you that your eyes contain deep reserves of mystery and solitude, I'd be lying. When you're in the mood to socialize, you'll embrace your friends with smiles and hugs. When all is not going your way, any friendly inquiries will be returned with snorts and glares. But in between vitriolic flares of temper, you're a devoted friend and passionate lover. You like to make big, showy displays of affection when they're least expected. You'll break a leg organizing a surprise party for your friend, making sure it's absolutely perfect down to the flavor of cake. In return, you'll expect to be told what a fabulous person you are; and god help the person who points out that you forgot his birthday the last three years in a row.
Not that you would ever let on that a cutting remark hurts you. Even if I said you had all the beauty of Bea Author, it would only take you being distracted by a shiny pair of Manolo Blahnik's to forget it. If you're going to stick with your convictions, then this oblivion is probably a good thing. Who needs to pay any attention to what the Simon Cowells of the world have to say? Follow your flame, Sanjaya. Anyway, you dish it out the way you take it. If you are in the presence of a quadriplegic you'd make a Superman joke. If you meet a priest, you might just talk about how the orders growing so thin, alter boys have to grope themselves these days. Gauche! If I were you, I'd keep some tactful friends around who know when to give you a good, discreet kick in the shin. Not that you'll be able to hide your pain. You're as afraid of physical discomfort as you are eager to start a fight. You big baby. As foolhardy as you are, Aries, the world of cause and effect is mysterious to you.
There's a good chance you're not raking in the cash, but that's not because you don't have the skills. But if getting ahead in the world requires that you light your boss's cigar, then you won't be moving up to the east side any time soon. You would do well to respect the elders who truly deserve your veneration. But you're nobody's yes man. When it comes to getting things done, you're more like Mao than the Dhali Lama. I once heard it said that there will always be a person willing to take charge in a time of crisis; most frequently, this person is crazy. As long as everybody you know swears an oath of unending fealty to you, you'll happily lead the way through the danger with plenty of bravado and not even a single shred of common sense. If discretion is the better part of valor, then you're crazier than you are brave. But it can't be denied that it was gays like you who donned their chaps like men and conquered the west. And where would we be without Las Vegas and Rodeo Drive? Leave it to a an Aries to make a show of playing king: you're the true leader of the zodiac. Leaders need to be optimistic, and you've got that spilling out of you like a megalomaniac superstar. People follow you because you have this innocent idea that justice can and will be served. Nancy Grace, anyone?
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