Gay Capricorn Astrology Profile

The Gay Capricorn: You big old mama's boy.

Lighten up, Capricorn.  There's nothing wrong with you, exactly.  Well, let's take a look in your closet.  Exactly what I thought: a sea of chinos.  Olives, khaki, drab.  I'm crossing my fingers that they're flat-front.  And... Oh my God.  Tell me that suit isn't Brooks Brothers.  Please.  Alright.  This is nothing professionals can't handle.  You're the reason there needs to be a show called Queer Eye for the Queer Guy.  Sometimes I wonder if the community shouldn't be focusing on it's own before it runs out to do... ahem, missionary work.  Even so, it would take more than the Fab Five to make a Prince Harry from your Drew Carey.  I'm thinking you need the stern hand of a learned but subtly sexy Henry Higgins, working over your image with charts, graphs and, of course, plenty of nice hot baths.  Goats are such filthy, stubborn creatures.  And there's definitely nothing wrong with that. 

Anyway, better a Gap ad than a D&G billboard.  Some boys are just trying too hard.  But have you thought about mixing it up lately?  A few vintage finds can give your wardrobe some character.  It doesn't have to be like like 1973 threw-up on you; like a t-shirt for some plumbing company?  True, it may have been worn by an actual plumber, that is a little bit gross.  What about a funky hat?  Of course, you never were much of a hat person.  OK, an over-sized belt buckle, you know, a little bit rodeo?  Horses frighten you, I see.  I give up.  Hemp shoelaces? 

Does this conversation seem at all familiar?  I feel for your friends.  Routine is acceptable six out of the seven days of the week, but what happens when Saturday night rolls around?  I hope you make some effort to get out there and mix.  You'll go to the bar, if for no other reason than because it's expected of you, but your spots tend to be more about the piano than the bootie tech.  You dance far less than surgeon general recommends and if you remember it in the morning chances are you'll also have a splitting headache.  Take some aspirin and get over yourself.

I've spent a lot of time ragging on you, haven't I?  I insult because I love.  And because it's good for you.  Look at it this way: in a lot of ways, you of all the zodiac's lusty menagerie has reason to be happy.  You avoid every pitfall that causes misery in this world.  The good news is that greed, lust, anger and jealousy roll off you as though you were made of Teflon.  The bad news is that greed, lust anger and jealousy roll off of you like Teflon.  When other's loose themselves in ill-fated love and impossible dreams, you keep your eyes on the prize, buckle down and keep going.  You respect your elders.  Called your mom recently?  Of course you have, you big old mama's boy.  And that's a great thing, it's important to keep those family ties strong.  How about life at the office: completed any important projects?  You don't have any problem putting in all the extra hours you need to get the job done.  Other signs might rely on their quick wit or sharp intellect to make up for a poor work ethic, you understand the importance of good old elbow grease.  And that's the kind of effort you can take to the bank.  Time after time.

Look, I don't want to drive the point in too much but I'm going to share an anecdote that I hope will enlighten and entertain.  It's for your own good.  I had a friend who took classes that involved a lot of math she didn't understand.  She'd come home and complain about the impossibility of the charts and graphs and formulas she was supposed to learn.  "How do you get through?"  I finally asked one day.  "I look for the Goat," she said with a grin.  "He's the guy sitting in the back of the class, not talking to anybody.  He studies for each class two hours every night and does all the homework."  And of course, was so happy to have a girl acknowledging his existence that he would agree to meet for coffee to "share notes," aka, patiently tutoring my friend in exchange for some harmless flirtation.  She saw this as a productive exchange of commodities.  I tend to shake my head when I hear of such arrangements.  If a girl wants to flutter her eyelashes and charm her way into a better grade, that's none of my concern.  But I'm against taking advantage of the goats. 

Clearly you can avoid that pitfall: we all know that falling for a girl isn't your style... Oh, should I not have said that?  You are out, yes?  I'm sorry, but of all the signs of the zodiac, I feel compelled to make sure.  Capricorns tend to make it through life by conforming, though in a best case scenario their It's cool if you need to take your time, but if I happen to visit my local evangelical church and see your name on the roster of sexual re-orientation I may be forced to strap you into an armchair, prop your eyelids open with toothpicks bust out the Queer as Folk DVDs.  I'm sorry.  It hurts me more than it hurts you.

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