Gay Cancer Astrology Profile

Click on Pen above to listen to this months Cancer horoscope.

The Gay Cancer: You have a license to mother.

Crabby? You? Only in the morning. Before lunch. All day Tuesday and most of Sunday. Leap years. At high altitudes and low barometric pressures. Oh, just admit it, Cancer. You're a moody one. You are ruled by the moon after all, and we know what that means: it's always your time of the month. I'd try to cheer you up, but you have the most annoying habit of twisting a compliment into a death sentence. It's one thing to be creative, but however did you get "You look tired" from "You look lovely in pink"? Impossible is what you are! Given the right state of mind, every innocent comment can be a back-handed cutter waiting to be discovered. We love you for your sensitivity. But there are times when we just can't stand your sensitivity. If you're a smart little crab, you'll surround yourself with people you love and trust. It's no guarantee that you won't have your sad days, fat days and Boy George in rehab days, but without a solid home base you'd be miserable.

I don't mean to gnaw on an empty crab shell, Cancer, but you'd better watch it. You're getting a rep. What's that in the corner, wallowing in a pool of snot and self-pity? Oh, just the Piteous Cancerous. You'll find them in the restaurant restrooms, department store dressing rooms, blandly decorated living rooms and garish art-deco rumpus rooms... bad home decoration offends the Cancer's sensibilities. Between sobs, you'll sit the offender down and flip on HGTV or TLC as though you are leading some kind of intervention. If Hildi happens to be terrorizing some poor suburban family on "Trading Spaces," you'll quickly change the channel. And don't pretend you don't know Hildi. You know Hildi. You've been riding the cable television home-improvement craze since it's nascence. And the food network. Especially the food network. Home just isn't home unless the scent of pot roast and strudel knocks your guests over the head from the moment they step across your kitchy straw welcome-mat. You have a license to mother. And people let you, because you do it with a zeal that borders on obsessive compulsive disorder. You embody an army of Italian/Polish/Mexican/Armenian Grandmothers who insist that even the Type II Diabetics among us must be starving. It's hard to resist that kind of charm for long. That, and everybody is afraid of making you cry. And did I mention you make pie? Damn good pie, in fact.

Please don't shoot the messenger: you're the ultimate girly-man. I guess in your line of work (being gay, that is) it's not a bad thing. Whenever the boys stop by for a visit you've got the coffee and the gossip brewing, always ready to employ the most cunning pie-diplomacy where ever it might be needed. Sadly, it is not useful enough in this carb-conscious age of ours. Still there's plenty to keep you busy: shuttling your mother to the hairdresser, picking up your sweetie's dry cleaning, fertilizing your herb garden, vacuuming under the sofas and bedazzling your niece's jumpsuits. Bedazzling? Where do you find the time? It seems that all the home arts are your especial domain. You can't wait to get your M.R.S., if only so you can push your partner out of the way when it comes time cultivate a pack of Lhasa Apsos or Homo Erectus-es. Not that your partner will be going anywhere. He'll be so fat by the time you're through with him, he couldn't turn the head of a stripper at Gold Coast.

You like your romance like you like your meals: rich and leisurely. You're a sentimental sap, that's all. What's the use in trying not to fall? None, my dear. You fall in love and stay there. Security is the name of the game. You want it at any cost. Too bad it can't be outright purchased, though it doesn't mean you won't try. You'll stop at a boutique window and admire the new seersucker trousers they're showing this spring, and then lament that you're too poor to indulge. Too poor to indulge from your clothing budget, that is. As opposed to your travel fund, hope chest, unborn grandchildren college trust and Swiss bank account. You're not stingy, hardly. You're very generous with your friends and family. But money buys drapes and Ghirardelli chocolate, the things that make you happiest; therefore, one can never have enough. Sometimes, this desire to be prepared for a rainy day can manifest itself in an unfortunate tendency to accumulate clutter. I could evoke the happily discarded clothing styles from a bygone age, but I think one word sums it up: Rave. I went there. Don't you think putting old clothing out of it's misery is the humanitarian thing to do? I suggest watching "Mission: Organization". Check HGTV for times.

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Comment Script

Want to talk about it?

RE: CANCER & The AQUARIUS

@BANANAFLOAT:

I agree I happen to fall for a Cancer and an Aquarius and he behaves almost like you do... and he was hard to get and make him trust him... and we promised to be together though he is closeted.. and I will make sure we do fulfill our promise... I love him so much and he completes me... I wish you get back Kenny and I be strong with my Jatin... ;-)

#149 - Drake Ramoray - 08/30/2010 - 20:44

daniel

you obviously were not reading my post carefully in the context that it was written in. if you haven't already done so, go back and re-read again.

(to aid you, i was attacking merely the writing style of the profile).

#148 - Disco Dolly fan - 08/24/2010 - 01:34

funny

i thuoght it was pretty hilarious, but then again, i was assuming it was a joke by the word "crabby". maybe i'll have to check out what he says about some other signs. i'm a cusp baby (july 22). i have no idea if that means anything at all, but my main purpose in even coming her is that i met a really great guy who's a capricorn and i want to see the possibilities of the match. not that whatever it says will have any effect on whether i go for it. this guy is a dream! SERIOUS potential to be the daddy i've been looking for. i say let this guy have his opinions and just let it roll off. we may be sensitive, but crabs also have a hard shell that can't be cracked by idiots.

#147 - daniel - 08/22/2010 - 04:41

you know

you really should write a profile that is all-around productive and relateable to all who reads it and not catering to the favors of one specific type of personality. look at the biased language in this profile. its obvious that things like "shooting the messenger" and having an "obsessive compulsion" with house work has an affect on you and how you choose to write this profile. While you are welcome to dislike a person for these, not everyone can relate to your feelings on them; it simply makes it harder for people to take you seriously,; and, your "jokes" would not quite be funny. you might as well have not written anything.

secondly, writing a profile based on one's OWN feelings is, in my opinion at least, one of the worst for reading. look at how you say that Libras are charming and that Aquarius are the friendliest in the zodiac but then say that Aries is like a childish brat and that capricorn is an uptight stiff-head that needs to "lighten up" (which, to remind you, were the first two words of its profile). Again, it's easy to tell that these single-minded views of the personality-based behaviours of the signs have a certain affect on how you choose your words for your writing.

i'm only saying this in hopes of helping you write better future profiles, if you aren't already informed of these. if you were, you obviously chose not to take the person's advice, and that's your choice.

#146 - I think Disco Dolly is fab! :D - 08/19/2010 - 23:52

I agree - he's biased against Cancers

Agree with the rest who came forward - notice how all his other descriptions are relatively accurate and balanced from a 3rd party perspective, but the shallow insults against Cancerians show his bias for what it is. :oops:

#145 - James - 08/10/2010 - 03:17

What I find ironic and funny is...

...
in an attempt to trivialize the behaviour of Cancer, what's with his drapes and MTV's "tading space" t. v. show and whatnot, he has made himself look rather trivial and superficial.
:-D