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Free Daily Horoscopes, August 31st

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Aries Horoscope

You can't drive for success in a '92 Chevy while everyone else is driving Jags. Buy some new threads today, something that suggests that you're a professional, and serious about your career. As it is, you look like you're on your way to an ABBA concert.

Taurus Horoscope

You spout your dogmatic opinions with the fervor of a bible-thumper. But like any preacher, you can be long-winded, bombastic and obnoxious. Tune it down today, because your congregation is dwindling. Or haven't you noticed?

Gemini Horoscope

What has all of your hard work gotten you, other than lot of money and no one to spend it on? Investing more time into your social life could get you out of the office, and into the arms of a hot guy who doesn't care how much money you make.

Cancer Horoscope

No matter how urgent, people won't listen to anything you say today. That's too bad, because there's fire in the men's room, and you just saw someone make off with your boss' car. It's not like you didn't try.

Leo Horoscope

Apparently you've never learned the difference between enthusiasm and arrogance. Maybe that's why they never call back after the first date, and why your cubicle is far from everyone else's. A little humility could go a long way.

Virgo Horoscope

Try doing something healthy today, like eating some fruit. Your system may reject something that isn't deep fried and coated with melted butter, but you'll never know unless you try.

Libra Horoscope

Domestic problems have your home life in an uproar, and you may have to sleep somewhere else tonight. You'll have to fight Fido for room in the doghouse, but you better get used to it. You're gonna be there for a long, long time.

Scorpio Horoscope

You've the focus of the Hubble space telescope, so it's a good day to relate with others. You'll get along famously with everyone today, and they'll wonder if it's really you they're dealing with, or your kinder, gentler twin brother.

Sagittarius Horoscope

Watch where your money goes today, because you could lose it as quickly as you earn it. Stay away from casinos, lottery tickets, poker games and gold digging boyfriends with caviar tastes, and you'll be just fine.

Capricorn Horoscope

You've been having some success in the dating department, and guys are finally noticing you. See what happens when you lose the mullet and the bib overalls? Now, about that back and shoulder hair.

Aquarius Horoscope

Things at home are suddenly askew, and you don't if it's him, or you. It's probably a little of both, but try convincing him of that. It's hard enough convincing yourself. Keep your head down and weather the storm. This, too, shall pass.

Pisces Horoscope

A co-worker always seems to need your help. He may be using your friendly nature to do his work for him. The Good Samaritan routine only goes so far. It looks like you're being played as a sucker.


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